Are we fated to play out the narrative set down for us by past events? Or do we have the power to overcome trauma, fulfill our dreams, and succeed in the end?
This post is a years-later follow-up to my earlier post, “Fate vs. Free Will.” Note: this post includes affiliate links to some of the self-help books I recommend.
The Lasting Effects of Trauma
Events from the past demonstrably influence events in the future. Here in the present, we often feel that we have little choice available. We may feel stuck, and resign ourselves to our fate. This tendency is especially noticeable for trauma survivors.
There’s a well-documented pattern, wherein children who experience trauma at a young age internalize the trauma and incorporate it into their identity. The early trauma becomes a repeating pattern throughout their lives. Among other social and behavioral problems, they often lose their sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. That loss of confidence is perceived by their adolescent peers, who see it as weakness and pounce. The same can be said for anyone who is perceived to be “different:” especially People of Color, or individuals with an LGBTQA sexual orientation. The peers exploit the sufferer’s vulnerability in a pattern of daily microaggressions (and sometimes overt aggression) throughout the formative years: compounding the existing trauma, and convincing the sufferer that suffering is indeed both inevitable and constant. To a certain extent, these same peer behavior patterns are continued throughout adulthood; and in the modern era, they are increasingly prevalent on social media.
The case for fate
Thus, ongoing life events tend to compound the impact of early trauma. People who have survived early trauma often get caught in repeating cycles of abusive relationships and self-destructive behaviors. Individuals who live through Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) frequently grow up to suffer from depression, addictive behavior, relationship problems, obesity, and a variety of other health and social problems.
All of which seems to argue pretty strongly in favor of causal determinism, also known as “fate.”
I wrote my original blog post, “Fate vs. Free Will,” because I was enraged by the toxic positivity of the social media memes and popular platitudes: “All you have to do is decide, and everything will magically get better!” That’s a false hope. I think we should all be able to agree: deciding is not enough. Real change takes a lot of hard work, usually a lot of time, a certain amount of luck, and almost always a number of setbacks along the way.
Personal Transformation
In order to refute my original hypothesis, I am focusing on a case study: myself.
The first draft of this blog post described my own journey from adverse childhood experiences to “rock bottom” in my early forties. But I have deleted all those details, because experience has shown me that the people most likely to enjoy that story are the Internet trolls who derive their joy in life from making others feel bad about themselves. Normal people would find the story disturbing, because what I experienced was disturbing. And that’s all that needs to be said about it at this time.
Having hit rock bottom, and having decided that I didn’t like it there, I began the long, slow, painful process of trying to turn my life around. It was not easy, and I encountered a number of setbacks along the way. Indeed, I encountered so many setbacks that I believed the challenges were insurmountable, and that past events had locked me into an inescapable negative future. And yet, I persisted.
I started running
The cornerstone practice for my own personal transformation began in early 2018, when I started going jogging regularly.
More than 25 years before, I had run on the cross-country team when I was in high school. But in the many long years since then, I had gained almost 50 pounds. I was no longer fit. When I started going running, I could hardly run a mile. And my new exercise routine had no immediately noticeable impact on my weight. But I stuck with it.
At first I ran for about ten minutes, because that was as long as I could run. After a while I got a workout tracker app on my smartphone (I use one called “Sportractive,” it has a great privacy policy and I highly recommend it, although many people prefer workout trackers with a social component). I increased the frequency of my workouts from three days a week to four or five days a week. I increased the length of my workouts from ten minutes to twenty, from twenty to forty, and after that sometimes as long as an hour. I started focusing on distance as my key metric, rather than the amount of time I spent running.
If you are trying to turn your life around, I highly recommend starting with a regular exercise routine. Exercise boosts serotonin: it actually makes you feel better. Toning your body boosts your confidence and improves the subconscious feedback you receive from the people around you. And putting in a regular practice ensures that you are making a lasting change in your life. Once a week is insufficient. It should be several times a week: as often as you can swing it, for as long as you can manage it. If you don’t have time to run for an hour, try to run for twenty minutes.
And let’s be clear: when I started running, it was painful. I was out of shape. It hurt my lungs, it hurt my legs, it hurt my ankles and knees and hips. A few times early on, I experienced a flare-up of an old injury and had to take a day off. If you’re concerned, see your physician. I am no David Goggins: I’m not advocating for you to hurt yourself. The goal is to make this a sustainable practice, which will become the cornerstone of your life transformation.
One thing I like best about running is that it doesn’t require any special gear or training. We all know how to run: we ran as children, all the time. You probably have an old pair of sneakers in a closet, and some shorts or sweatpants that still fit. That’s all you need. Just put them on and get out the door. That’s the first step to changing your whole life.
Other practices are valid
If running isn’t your thing, try some other form of exercise. Many people swear by yoga. I read somewhere that a rowing machine may provide the ultimate best workout, in terms of core strengthening and calories burned per minute.
If you are physically unable, or if you just really have no taste for exercise, consider meditation. Dan Harris meditates for two hours a day: that’s the practice he has chosen to focus on for his own personal life transformation, and he swears by it.
Again, your goal is to implement a regular practice which will become the cornerstone of your life transformation process. This will become a long-term practice, it’s not just something to do a few times. It took you years to get to where you are now; it may take you years to get out of it. But you can do this, one step at a time, so buckle up and settle in for the long haul.
I changed my diet
Now that I was bringing my smartphone with me on my runs (for the workout tracker app) I started using it to listen to audio books during my runs. My local library uses an app called Libby. I love Libby. There are thousands of excellent titles available, absolutely for free, which you can access on your smartphone or tablet device anywhere you go. I discovered they have a great selection of motivational self-help books available as audio books. Actually, to be frank, at first I was annoyed by the #liveyourbestlife section at the top of the screen every time I opened the app, because that attitude was so far removed from my mental space at the time. But eventually I decided to find out what all the fuss was about. I listened to a self-help book; and then I listened to another, and then another.
One of the audio books I listened to early on was The End of Dieting, by Joel Fuhrman. Dude is a clinical nutritionist and backs up his assertions with hard science. His basic premise is this: The Standard American Diet is making us all horribly unhealthy, but calorie counting is a pain in the ass and most diets are doomed to fail. His proposed solution is to get most of our protein from beans and nuts, and to choose fruits and vegetables in place of highly processed foods for the bulk of our meals and snacks. This way, he argues, we can simply eat when we’re hungry; and because these food choices are not as calorie dense as processed foods, we will naturally lose weight over time.
I liked his reasoning so much that I bought a hard copy of the book and made it a cornerstone of my life change. I continued running, and improved the way I was eating. I did not completely eliminate unhealthy food, and I continued to drink beer, so the change was gradual; but over time, between my new diet and my continued exercise routine, I lost about 15 pounds.
I changed my mind
A warning: the following is quite personal. My whole point in this essay is based on my own personal experiences; and it’s very difficult to tell the story of my experiences without at least some brief mention of my own personal rock bottom.
Rock Bottom
Four years ago, well before the pandemic lockdowns, I was socially isolated, and consumed by persistent worry, stress, anxiety, and long-term clinical depression. My mindset was causing me serious problems in my life. I was unsuccessful in business; I was unsatisfied with my fallback position as a stay-at-home Dad; my marriage was in trouble; and then my ultimate dream of becoming a successful author went down in extremely public flames when I responded poorly to trolls and drama on social media.
I was in a really bad place, and I stayed there for a really long time.
But I knew I didn’t want to stay there forever.
Antidepressants
The first step to overcoming my mindset was to get on prescription antidepressants.
My brain was starved for serotonin. Antidepressants were the key to helping my brain overcome its long-term chemical imbalance. Will power is not enough to make a physical change in a bodily organ, such as the brain. Without that course of prescription medication, I feel certain that I would have remained in a dark place more or less indefinitely, for the rest of my life. The antidepressants did not solve all my problems; but they made it possible for me to begin to address them.
Different people have different responses to antidepressants. For myself, it was not necessary to continue taking the medication indefinitely. I tapered off after about a suitable time. But I strongly believe that taking a course of prescription antidepressants was a turning point in my life, at least as much as going running and listening to self-help books and all the rest of the things I talk about in this post.
Self-help books
Having started listening to self-help books during my regular runs, I became a bit of a self-help book addict. Believe me, it’s one of the healthiest addictions ever contemplated.
Here’s the thing that most people don’t understand about self-help books: reading a self-help book will not change your life. Nope. That’s not how it works.
Self-help: The anti-cynic
Cynics snark about self-help books because, well, cynics snark about everything: throwing shade at everyone else is the only way the cynics can cover up for their own feelings of inadequacy. The one thing you will never hear a cynic do, is offer a positive suggestion. And most self-help books are filled with positive suggestions. They are the opposite of cynicism.
False expectations
Most people have false expectations about what reading a self-help book will accomplish. If you read just one self-help book, and you expect your whole life to change as a result: then you’re going to be deeply disappointed.
For one thing, most self-help books outline a series of action steps; and most self-help book readers fail to follow through on those action steps: so it should not be surprising that most readers fail to see the results they had hoped for. You have to follow through. I didn’t take most of the advice presented in the first self-help book I listened to during my runs; but I liked the uplifting feeling of motivation that it gave me, so I listened to another. And another. And another.
A change in mindset
But more importantly, what I discovered over a period of time, was that immersing my mind in the relentless positivity of self-help books finally enabled me to overcome the decades of self-loathing that had been holding me back since childhood.
That’s what it’s about.
It’s not about one specific book’s tidbits of advice. It’s about repatterning the mind.
If you’ve never struggled to overcome a lifetime of negative thought patterns, then you won’t relate to this. But if you have spent decades listening to the voice in your head that constantly tells you horrible things about yourself and everyone around you, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Self-help books are an effective tool to combat that voice of negativity. A steady diet of self-help books, over a long enough period of time, can effectively change the way we think about ourselves, about our lives, and about our relationships.
I have a list of amazing books that I’ve read. But the real game-changer for me was Personality Isn’t Permanent by Benjamin Hardy. If you’re considering dipping a toe into the self-help waters and aren’t sure where to begin, I highly recommend starting there. I even made a YouTube video that talks about it:
Support Group
You can’t do this alone. Humans are social creatures. We go through life together. Major life changes often mean moving away from the friends and social groups associated with our former life; and that vacuum can be dispiriting. The fear of losing social connections often keeps people tied to life situations that ultimately prevent them from attaining their true goals. We need human connection to keep us going. At first, social media may seem like a source of hope; but the anonymous nature of online accounts create disturbing possibilities for head games that we’re better off without. The solution is to find guided groups in a safe space: a non-judgmental, supportive environment.
Many people turn to AA, or to their church, for the social connection of renewal and hope. Many people get all the support they need from a therapist, or from a life coach. Some people sign up for several different sources of support: one for each area of their lives. It’s all good! Do whatever works best for you. Here’s what worked for me.
The need for support
A few years on from my own personal rock bottom, things were noticeably improving in most areas of my life; but the laggards continued to really bother me. The pandemic had been raging for what seemed like an eternity, and I was more socially isolated than ever. Most of my social connections were through social media, but I was getting subtweeted every time I logged in. The trolls had seen my vulnerability, and they fully intended to continue exploiting it indefinitely: because trolls derive their joy in life from making other people feel bad about themselves.
The persistent Internet harassment kept me convinced that I had been canceled permanently by society at large, and that therefore I had no hope of ever achieving my professional goals, no matter what I did.
Multiple suggestions
I did not join the first online support group that was recommended to me by a friend; nor did I join the second. But those friends planted the idea in my mind; and when a third group came to my attention, I signed up.
At first I was very hesitant to join, because it included a commitment of weekly hour-long video meetings, and I already felt like I never have enough time to get things done. But this group was running a challenge that intrigued me (see below), so I went for it.
I am endlessly glad that I joined this group; and if you’re in a situation where you want to turn your life around, I hope you can find a group that works for you. Being open about our hopes and fears, and sharing in a supportive environment, creates a bond between the group members. Video meetings help to ensure that the other members are who they seem to be, lol. Because the group is moderated, there are rules in place to ensure an environment of mutual respect. Criticism, when it is offered, is phrased in terms of actionable opportunities for improvement: it is actually constructive (as opposed to social media criticism, which is blanket condemnation, purely hurtful in nature). Group members encourage one another to see their own future potential, build connections, and improve themselves. The group fosters opportunity for growth, insights, connection, and change.
In my case, making a connection with the members of this new group allowed me to finally stop caring so much about my toxic relationship with social media. Once I made genuine friends with some authentic people, I was finally able to let go of the need to prove myself to trolls who only want to see me fail. That old toxic relationship was replaced by a new mutually supportive and helpful group of people who genuinely want the best for each other, who listen to each other’s concerns and who help each other see hope, and opportunities for improvement and growth.
A Challenge
What finally drew me to my particular group and sealed the deal was the fact that the group leaders were planning to coordinate a group participation in the “75 Hard” challenge . You may have heard about this, it has gotten a lot of buzz recently. The challenge was created by Andy Frisella (and yes, I’m well aware that some of his other opinions may be controversial within the author community, lol). The concept of 75 Hard is billed as a “mental toughness” challenge, rather than merely a diet or exercise routine.
The rules of the challenge are, for 75 days: two 45 minute workouts a day, one of them outdoors; pick a diet and stick to it; drink a gallon of water every day; take a shirtless selfie every day (sports bras for the ladies); read 10 pages of a nonfiction book each day (in our group we specified self-help books; books must be print, not e-books or audio books); and here’s the kicker: no alcohol. No alcohol at all, for 75 days.
You get to choose your workouts, you get to choose your diet, and you get to choose your books. You do not get to choose your alcohol, because the rule is, no alcohol for 75 days. One of the guys in my group is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints: so the “no alcohol” clause was not a problem for him. For some of the other guys, that particular requirement caused substantial hesitation about signing up.
My sister had told me about the “75 Hard” challenge the previous year; and after some initial reluctance, I decided to face my fears. I am so glad I did, it was totally worth it. Participating in the challenge took a huge amount of time out of my daily schedule, and I really appreciate the support I received from my family. This would not have been possible without their love and support.
It was hard
I kept with the program even when an ice storm knocked out my electricity for ten days and downed a power line across my running path. I kept with the program even when I got called up for jury duty and had to do my morning run in the dark by flashlight before I drove in to the city for the day. It was not easy.
I ran, I lifted weights, I did yoga, I did crunches and sit-ups and push-ups and more; I stuck to my diet; and I went without alcohol for the longest I’ve gone without alcohol since I graduated from high school.
According to the rules, I failed the challenge. The rules are quite strict, and don’t allow leeway or “make up.” There was one day, about 3 weeks in, when I took my Saturday selfie on Sunday morning. Another day, only about a week before day 75, I drank my final 12oz of water at 4am. Therefore, strictly according to the rules, I failed the challenge twice.
But I don’t feel like I failed. I feel like this was a huge win for me. Rules or no rules, I worked out twice a day for 75 days, strictly adhered to a diet routine, and completely cut out alcohol.
In the end, the results speak for themselves. I lost 22 pounds in two and a half months; and I believe I have developed the skills to keep that weight off. I feel more confident, my body feels better, and the people around me irl can tell that something has changed.
This experience has shown me that the past is not the sole determinant of the future. We can choose to take events into our own hands. It is not easy! It is hard work. It takes sacrifice and effort, determination and sweat; it takes a lot of time, and it requires some amount of social support from the people in our lives.
But if it’s possible for me to visibly change the shape of my body in just two and a half months: then what else might be possible, with some determination and effort?
There’s still more to do
Changing one’s life is a long and difficult task. I did not change my life in 75 days. I have been changing my life for more than three years, and I still have a long way to go.
I still have not accomplished my career goals. It’s very difficult to balance the needs of stay-at-home parenting with the time-consuming requirements of most career goals: especially during the Covid-19 era, when the kids are actually distance learning from home instead of going to school during the day. But I believe I will figure this out. The future is bright.
I still have haters and trolls. I will always have haters and trolls. Unfortunately, social media has created an environment where hatred is widely validated by the public, and anyone who objects to hater culture instantly attracts more haters and trolls. I can’t change that culture by myself, although I have tried to call it out.
Over on social media, I sometimes talk about the way people treat each other. Predictably, some people are not going to like that. Therefore, I simply have to learn to accept haters and trolls as an inevitable part of my life. I have come to understand that ultimately, the person they really hate is themselves, and all the spiteful cynicism that they spew at the world is a mask for their own insecurities.
I feel sorry for them, and I hope they can reach a place in their lives where self-improvement will become possible.
Their hate is not really about me: it’s about them.
It has never really been about me. It has always really been about them; but for years, I was too wrapped up in my own insecurities to see that. Confronting my insecurities has been very liberating.
I suspect I will soon discover my true potential.
I’m still human. I still have feelings. I still have to fight off dark thoughts. And I still believe that many prevailing attitudes in our rapidly changing online culture are completely unreasonable. But I no longer feel limited by my feelings, my thoughts, or the unreasonable culture in which I find myself living. I’m prepared to overcome the past and pursue a new and brighter future.
Conclusion
What about you? What could you accomplish in two and a half months of concerted effort? Could you start the process of turning your entire life around? I believe that you could.
You have the potential to do more with your life than the people around you believe possible. Learn to ignore those people and the toxic doubts they feed. When you do, you will feel happier, more fulfilled, and more capable of accomplishing so much more with your life.
Your past does not have to determine your future. Society does not get to decide who you will become. We are not beholden to Fate.
Free will is not an easy choice. It takes hard work, determination, and a certain amount of social support. But a wall is built of many bricks. Set down one brick after another, and perhaps in less time than you imagined, you will have built a new life for yourself.
I’m wishing you the best of success.
